THAR BE SPOILERSSo at this rate, every year a Transformers movie comes out on my birthday. And last year, I screwed up by buying tickets for everyone. I bought a bucketload of tickets, cos that's what I do. Instead, I decided to leave it and do NOTHING and save myself from embarrassment and poverty.
On top of that, last years Transformers left a nasty taste in my mouth, probably caused by Michael Bays raging boner for the Military which he shoved down to the back of my throat and fired his fucking Railgun. Just like he did to Devastator, right into his arse.
I may be regressing, but that was a extremely disappointing appearance of the gargantuan Decepticon.
But I powered on through and pushed it into the back of my mind. I wanted to see the Third iteration because of completion, and the small hope that Mr Bay would be kind and not repeat his previous mistakes.
And now I have very small complaints. It was a pretty fun movie. I still left my brain at the door, but it snuck in and watched what it could and nit picked on only a few things to get a headache about. The first was Wikipedia's* attitude. He acted like a petulant child. Made me want to get a bigger boot to kick him with.
"I saved your lives twice. Make me mean something."The only person who wanted to give him a job was John Malkovich, who had an awesome photo of him doing kung fu to a camera.
* - Okay, I don't remember how to spell his name.The other was significantly later into the movie. Now, Optimus Prime. Leader of the Autobots. Kick arse Cybertronian warrior, and he shows it. He slaughters dozens (or maybe just 1 dozen) of Decepticons...
And he's foiled by Steel Cabling.
Cybertronians, Decepticons and Autobots alike, cause Indiscriminate destruction. They even blatantly display it when Ironhide gives the boot a couple of Decepticons into a nearby diner for pretty much no reason. He'd already incapacitated the bloody things and could've just coup de graced it with some fistwork. But no, he decides to give him the boot into some poor sap's diner.
What kind of short circuit does Optimus have to have to get tangled in a bunch of steel cables? He could just shoot where the cables are holding onto and then jump off! Because he didn't do this, he was taken from the fight for about 20 minutes.
To which he comes back and tears apart 7 Decepticons in quick succession. But he could've done that earlier, couldn't he. If he'd gotten out of the Steel Cabling.
Lastly there's Starscream, Aarons favourite character. He's vicious, he's conniving, he's got lips designed to kiss arse. He's also a giant Robot. Granted, a robot with some sort of nervous system, but when it comes right down to it, he's a Robot.
So when he gets one of his eyes hit with a fancy grapping hook, which clamps around something its been shot at, then it isn't likely that he'll feel it. He'll just know that he has lost an eye. He won't flail around the place like a little kit with a scraped knee. He'll use his remaining eye to crush Whip O'licorice* with his boot.
* - Still no ideaThe girl... well the writers just snapped the entire thing. All the lovey dovey crap in the second movie with Megan Fox in the second flick? Gone. Flushed down the Dunny. She dumped him before he received a medal of honour. Probably because he was being an Arse.
To which he moved onto the new girl, whose only fault is that someone got a bike pump and overloaded the PSI on those lips.
Positives!
Funny enough, I kinda liked the plot. Megatron made a long term investment in the 60s and now he was seeking to reap the benefits. Laserbeak sowed the seeds of Deception, and so he now claims the rewards by sewing new seeds into the Autobots tempting them into getting to the Ark on the Dark Side of the Moon. In turn the last Prime who was on the Ark was revived by the ever faithful Optimus, to which he turned about and revealed his intentions as being Aligned with Megatron.
Where it faultered was the "Superweapon". Now the Sun-killing device in Transformers 2 was what would call a Superweapon. A mass teleporting device is not quite what I would call a Superweapon, though it was put to good use I'll admit. Teleporting a large number of Decepticons to a planet which can't defend itself from such an invasion is what I would call a good use.
New characters? Well Shockwave was awesome. A Cyclops with a mass of Giant Mechanical Boring Worms is extremely cool. I don't know why, but I was in awe at such a cool weapon of destruction led by a one eyed, Malicious, Killing Robot!
The Worms defeat? It was constricting a half bent skyscraper when Optimus finally got freed from the cabling, by the Irish and Scottish Comedic Relief, and started his spree.
Shockwave's defeat? This was very cool. And it has to do with the Military! The Military were PROPERLY represented! They weren't relentlessly excessive this time! It was COOL.
Their first real scene was an action scene with these Gliders that I don't know the name of and haven't got the internet turned on. But they were like flying Possoms, streaking across the sky high above roads and even through buildings, dodging the majority of enemy flier attacks, and even taking out one of them!
Then returning back to Shockwaves defeat, they organise a rather cool ambush. Snipers up about a dozen storeys; demo crews on the ground. Snipers take out their eyes, blinding them, and then the demo crew run up, park some explosives on their feet, and BAM! Destroyed Decepticon. Done.
Actually, I'm not sure if that was how Shockwave was defeated. But it happened. And I liked it.
The smaller comedic relief, Wheelie and Brains, have a few good lines half of which were swearwords, the good ones cinematically cut off before they're finished. But one of the cooler lines which I realised later in the movie was "Oh I seen this episode, it's the one where Spock Goes Nuts".
The funny part is that Sentinel Prime, the previous Autobot leader turned very cranky bad guy, is voiced by, the one and only, Leonard Nimoy. Scott got so excited when he leaned over to say "IT'S SPOCK!"
I think that just about sums up my opinion on the flick.
Edit: OH! AND DUTCH! WOO! He's fkn HILARIOUS! He starts off as your little efficient gay assistant, and then he occasionally brings out "his old self" which is what I assume is a Killing Machine. The look of regret when he goes too far is perfect!
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