This is my Nerd Hole: I'd like a side of Cy-pork

Okay. I liked Chris before. He's a cool guy and when he released some prints of stuff, I dipped me funded in and shared them around to me mates who, afaik, still enjoy them to an extent.

I'm going to talk about my Hordes army, Hordes being the alter-ego of Warmachine for those not in the know). I initially decided to play Skorne. Skorne are cool, and they have Pseudo Pachyderms for their heavy Warbeasts, and their Light warbeasts are Cyclops'! Otherwise, they have a gender-combo of Basilisks and soon they will have a Wyrm-esque thing. All of them are enslaved to the will of the Skorne.

As for the Skorne race, they are a wonderfully created amalgamation of middle east and eastern cultures. Immortals and Ancestral Guardians are Terracotta warriors with Egyptian and Persian influences, that store souls of friendly Skorne dying around them to use against their enemies as extra attacks. Their warriors are wonderful crossbreeds of Chinese, Japanese and Arabic medieval troops. And I don't even know where to begin with their Paingiver sects.

They are a very interesting aesthetic to some of my old interests, some of which were medieval japanese stories. There is a series of books that I love to read occasionally, the Tales of the Otori by Lian Hearn. I liked reading the Japanese culture, and about the “Singing Floor”.

The Skorne empire are very devoted to their beliefs and hold true to the prophecy of a great warrior coming and leading them. And so Vinter Raelthorne of the Cygnaran empire came around, made his stand and became the new leader of the Skorne Empire.

Now all of this is very cool. Very cool indeed. However, I've lost interest in them. My favourite caster for Flavour is Master Tormentor Morghoul, a dangerous assassin who likes to cosplay Edward Scissor Hands. He's just cool, an acrobat that just knows how to tear apart a person with a wave of a hand. Scissor Gloves or not.

I've lost interest in these guys though. As cool as they are, their flavour has died out like chewing gum to me. I still like the Cyclops' they have, along with their pachyderms, and the little campaign for the 'Agoniser' which arced up when the figure and fluff were originally released.

When their third expansion was released, they introduced something very cool to the Hordes Range: Minion Lesser Warlocks. Minions are easily described as the Mercenaries of Hordes, and to fit with the thematic difference between Warmachine and Hordes of “Metal vs Mongrel”, the Minions are alot more Monstrous.

Such as Farrow, the Pigmen of the Iron Kingdoms. Seriously, they looks like pigs and they act like Pigs. They were first revealed as “Farrow Brigands”, rooting about the place with their Pig Iron rifles and the Shaman with his staff giving simple passive bonuses to them by yelling at them to stop stumbling across the scrubs they're walking in, or to shoot before they charge at something.

Next expansion – Evolution – brought forth, a very useful boost unit called the Bone Grinders. Usually they give a Warlock a bonus their spells range. But when a Warbeast Dies, they gain two options: The first is to be able to cast a Warbeasts Animus by spending their action, this being one of their permanent effects. So if a Cyclops Savage dies, a friendly figure can be affects by Prescience which allows figures to increase their damage after a dice roll has been made.

The other was to take a stat, such as Speed, Strength, or Armour, and apply it to a friendly figure within 3” of a figure in the unit. So they pass arm in arm all the grimey bits of a Warbeast, like a Titans Femur which is probably big enough to take out a bus, grind it into a salve and then rub it on the local Warlock so that they can suddenly become as tough as a brick wall, toddle off as fast as an indy car, or hit like a brick shit house fired from an artillery cannon.

I used to do the latter with my Skorne army. Someone would get the strength of a Bronzeback Titan of 13, and then add the power of their own weapons, which would be 4 or more, giving them a chance to give someone the rough end of a pineapple.

And then the third expansion came – Metamorphosis. This is where Hordes stands now, and it gave everyone the coolest addition to the Farrow of the time: Rorsh and Brine. Rorsh is a Lesser Warlock with a large trenchcoat, a Pig Iron Rifle, and a small fetish for Dynomite. Yes, that's the name of the weapon. He even has an attack called “Diversionary Tactic” where he drops a stick of Acme at his feet and bolts off while everyone else is figuring out what the fuck just happened. And with him is Brine, his Gigantic Pig. Yes, a gigantic, bi-pedal pig. And not only does he smack things with his very meaty fists, but he headbutts them too.

And their abilities do them justice. Rorsh has only one spell, Pigpen, which causes the area around him to turn to mud, and enemies have trouble getting through the suddenly precarious terrain. And when Brine is too far away from Rorsh, all he has to do is call SOUIE! to bring him back into a comfortable distance. Brine is a very Pigheaded character, and when he normally would be destroyed he stays around for a bit longer so that friendly living warbeasts can feast on his regenerative Bacon. Seriously, he has an ability called Bacon that lets Warbeasts eat him to heal.

With the second edition (AKA: MKII) of Hordes rules coming just around the bend, Privateer Press have come to the decision to give the people what they want. And what they want is a Pig Army. While nothing really definitive has come out, they have given us a preview of a Farrow Warbeast.

It has always been my long-standing belief that everything in this world can be made better with the addition of bacon. Bacon is delicious. The only thing better than bacon is a larger helping of bacon. This was recognized early on in the creation of the Iron Kingdoms with the inclusion of the Farrow. What could be better than creatures that are essentially bacon wrapped in iron and carrying guns? Not much. I would even venture to guess that when a unit of Farrow is killed by Flameguard Cleansers or an Assault Kommando Flamethrower the smell is mind-numbingly delectable.

So far, each HORDES expansion has added new Farrow types in small amounts. Bacon bits, if you will. But the arrival of HORDES: Primal MK2 steps up the goodness in a big way. If the Farrow were just scatterings of succulent bacon before, they are now a BLT of awesome and epic proportions.

The new heavy Farrow Warbeast, the War Hog is a towering engine of destruction. A nightmare patchwork of the discarded materials left behind by the rest of the Iron Kingdoms, the War Hog is truly terrifying to behold. When I was designing the look of this guy, Creative Director Ed Bourelle suggested a mad scientist’s dream given form. A Franken-Pig if you will. That was an idea I could get behind pretty easily.

I think this guy will look awesome next to our previous Farrow heavy, Brine. Where Brine is nature gone wrong, this guy is science gone horribly awry. I also like the ironic touches of arming him with two meat cleavers. If there is turkey bacon, why not Trollkin bacon or Titan bacon? I’m sure the War Hog is aiming to find out how those’ll taste. I’ll bet they are delicious.

NOTE: Chris Walton’s opinions on bacon and its effects on your health and lifestyle are not necessarily those of Privateer Press Inc. , its employees, or affiliates. But damn, does bacon taste good.

Give me Cy-pork, or fry me up in lard and pass me onto the hungover teenagers who have been drinking enough goon to fill Lake Wivenhoe.

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