Toilet Humour

There is a question that is as old as time and I feel it has, and it never will, have a proper answer.

The Courtesy of the Toilet seat.

It's a weird thing and any responses as to why always come out with some vapid excuse as to why it is the way it is. Just today through 'discussion' the best excuse brought up was “We don't want to touch the dirty seats.”

Well that's just not fair. I wouldn't want to touch the toilet seat, not when your arse has been on it. I don't know what you've been sitting on, let alone what its been exhaling.

So what alternative do we have? Should we just leave it down? That is where they tried to turn it around. “Why don't you just pee with it down? It's like an inch less diameter, can't you aim? You've been doing it long enough!”

I didn't have a response that didn't involve getting graphic about what I do, so I left it at “I'd rather not take the risk, lest I get bludgeoned to death with blame from a paranoid suspicion that the white seat looked a little yellow somewhere.”

Besides, if we were to swish the basketball hoop rather than lift and leak, then why was the seat not designed into the actual porcelain anyway?

Better yet, why weren't we just taught to sit down and pee?

Eventually the 'discussion' ended and the subject stuck with me a little so I googled it. I found a better argument.

“If you get a cup out of the cupboard, do you leave the cupboard open?”

Fair enough, the argument not only causes to include the seat, but the lid as well. Fair enough, I can deal with that. It's not enough to really change my ways, but that's because none of the girls I know do the same thing.

I've heard other weird excuses, one of the biggest was “Oh we do it for your sake. If we go to pee in the middle of the night, we don't want to wake you so we tip toe in there, leave the light off, undress which takes forever, then when we go to sit down we fall in.”

That sort of response makes me worry about our generation. If you're silly enough not to look before you leap, then I'm not going to hold your hand as you try to revert to the natural order of Lemmings.

Clothing is not an issue unless you're wearing a terribly large dress, or a Wedding Gown. In which case, you're wearing it for the better part of a day, and not worrying about toilet courtesy because 1: You're segregated from all the Men; 2: You're at the reception which 9 times of 10 is at a restaurant; and 3: while it took four or five girls to help you get into the dress, it only takes a wink of your partner to get it off again.

And just to cover all bases, 4: It's not night time.

This is only a rather thin view on the world though, a family only consisting of spouses. There is still the rest of the household to consider. Small children certainly don't find it convenient, but with small children come pets.

Now not many households feel complete without a pet. Particularly a dog. Dogs are just as effective as a cardboard box with kids, but are longer lasting and more fun for the whole family. Half the hassle is having to give them food and water.

Not water is never a guarantee, in the life of a dog. You get a bowl that you can drink out of, but it empties quickly in a day, and so the rest of the territory is scoured for more sources. Because the 'average house' has an indoor dog, the toilet becomes an easy access source of fresh water.

Well, it's not quite fresh, pup, I can tell you that. I know what goes into that fountain, and it ain't fluoride.

That is the best reason I can find to putting the seat down. I wouldn't shit in my dogs mouth, so why would I let him drink out of the toilet? Better stop that quickly by putting the toilet seat, and lid, down. Unless the bugger is quick to learn, and most dogs I know are, it's a Rubicks cube with a quenching treat at the end.

So while I have found a valid reason, I'm not changing my ways until the situation comes, but what other interesting reasons do you have/have you heard?