Repeat Poker in your head and see if it loses meaning

Relationships are like a card game. And everyone reckons it's Poker, AKA: 5-card. That's not a very good choice of metaphor, because you get one hand of five cards and if you don't win, you lose the pot. That's more of a sex analogy, because if you're a bad root then you're more than likely going to be dropped for a pair of jacks and a king. Or Queen. Whatever takes their fancy.

Cribbage is a better analogy. You get dealt two hands of 6 cards. You figure out what cards you want to keep to use later, and discard two cards to the crib which goes to your opponent to use when counting the cards. Then the deck is cut and the top card is turned over for everyone to use.

Then you play your cards, adding up until you reach a point where there's nothing else to add without going over the sum of 31. If you both have cards on hand, then you go again until you have no cards or you get to the point without going over again. A point for last card, and two points for finishing on 31.

Then you count up the points in your hands, the dealer counts their crib, and work out where you are on the board, or scorecard. Then it repeats back and forth, the crib alternating between players until someone reaches 121 on the board.

There are also other little bonuses that turn up. If you turn up a jack on the cut, you gain a point. If you have a jack of the same suit as the card turned up, you gain a point when you count your cards.

Now I'm an old player of Cribbage. It's one of my favourite card games! However I've hardly had my hand in relationships of my own. One girl for five months, and a few half arsed attempts here and there to start something but ending up flat twiddling behind on points because of a shit hand, or giving too good a crib.

So why is it that everyone is trying to fucking convince me to play the fucking game of 5-Card? Hot girls are not a massively motivational thing to do something I don't really want to do otherwise, and I find it to be a pretty sad reason to invite me to something because there's hot chicks there that I might be able to score with.

Now there's the thing. I like good company, someone you can chat to about whatever and have a good laugh. And so I make good company for myself. There are few situations that I'm uncomfortable in because of strangers. The reason most people enjoy my company is because there is no further expectations. I'm never out to play 5-Card, whether for bets or for casual play. I'm out to play cribbage.

Now that is a bold statement for those who understand the metaphor. About 20 dozen men across the globe have sat up and said “NOO! Another male has lost his masculinity!” But you know what? I don't give a shit what you think. If you want me to do otherwise, to do what you do, then get stuffed.

The annoying thing is that they instantly turn around and say I play 52 pick up with the prison crowd.

Some people do it out of the kindness of their hearts, setting someone up for me to hook up with and maybe get that rigorous game of Cribbage that reaches a tie and we turn to a tiebreaker game of 5-Card. I don't want that. I really don't, because nobody knows what I like and I would rather not tell them. If I see someone might give me a good game of Cribbage, then I'll ask if they want to be dealt in.

It's the similar thing with my other regular players. We'll play and have a good game and that's it. Some people stand out and watch and say “Why don't you move onto 5-Card with them?”

Well, probably because they enjoy playing Cribbage with me? Or maybe the deck I use for Cribbage isn't appropriate for 5-Card? Because if I started asking to play 5-Card, they'll think that I don't want to play Cribbage any more and will piss off?

There's also them asking to play Cribbage, or even 5-Card, with my regulars. Now I will judge how they will play against each other and put it in favour of my regular. I treat them well and play for fun.

But when a new player comes on the intention of joining on a 3 player game of Cribbage, I'll know if they're playing for competition or not. I don't like to play for competition, and I will play for competition in my regulars favour. I'll even give them hints and warnings. The new player won't get any help from me unless I actually like playing Cribbage with them. I won't tell them the style of play if they don't deserve it.

And of course there's always the 5-Card players, and would-be 5-Card players, that think they're better than the Cribbage Players. Arrogant pricks that always look over their hands and reckon that what everyone really wants is to play 5-card all the fucking time but play Cribbage because they're useless at it, or just love to play 52 pick up.

You know what? I'd get out of card games if I didn't like playing Cribbage so much. Whatever card game I want to play is nobody else's business, so don't fucking tell me what I should and shouldn't play.